I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
