No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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