The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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