You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
