theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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