My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
