what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
