I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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