Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
