Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
