I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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