No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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