sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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