Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
