I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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