U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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