I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
