It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There r osticjed everywhere
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
