the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
