I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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