i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
