I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
