I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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