fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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