Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
