i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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