Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
