A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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