I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
