I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
