then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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