my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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