dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have grass duct taped all over my body
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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