dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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