the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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