Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
