Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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