Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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