if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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