I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
