remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
