Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and she was petting her beer can
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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