so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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