We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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