if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just gift wrapped bread.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
