I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
