I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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