Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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