I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
