Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
