Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
