I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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