Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
